I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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