Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
