Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
