Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
