She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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