They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
