I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
