Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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