Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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