well I can't set my house on fire every night
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
This is the high leading the old right now
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
