having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
