does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
