Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
