I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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