i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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