my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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