Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
youre lurking in front of me
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
