Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
