i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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