wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I fill condoms, not promises.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
