today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
