at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
