the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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