don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
