There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
