the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
