Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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