I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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