I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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