I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
