I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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