I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
