I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
