I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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