Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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