I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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