everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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