Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
