Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
