i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
