after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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