Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
