He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I've blown a few things in my day
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
