I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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