I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
