I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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