we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
