Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
