I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Someone came in the potted fern
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
