did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
